jay tee

I'm in college now mawfuckahs. I just wrote my first paper. I've smoked alot since I got here. My laptop is covered in all manner of college-filth. I don't keep proper care of my cellphone. I have listened to a lot of Beck and The Knife (all moods fall under their jurisdiction). And I'm starting to feel like I'm actually old enough to be here and not just a misplaced figment of fifteen-year-old me's imagination. I ate catfish today. I felt somehow vindicated when somebody played "Jaan Pehechaan Ho" at a party last weekend and not one person was not dancing.

So basically. Very gay tie in COLLEGE.

So Van Gordon and September are asleep on my bed and I'm waiting for further friends to come and it's like midnight and stuff. The last few weeks have been bizarre. I'm wearing Van Gordon's pants and September is wearing mine and I've spent the whole day like:

"Oh. You guys gonna make out now. Thass cool. I'll just...be here."

My entire social world (which was not all that vast or complicated) is shifting around uncomfortably. I haven't seen people I want to see, and seen a shitload of some incredibly random people. Also, you know how through most of high school you don't really do all the things that television told you were coming when you were a young child? That all pretty much happens in the last two months of school.
Only four finals next week. I want to go to the city, drive on 78, hang at strip malls and take in all the Jersey accents I can before disappearing into the wilds of Wisconsin on August 18th. This painful separation anxiety is soothed by the fact that I will be around a substantial number of other art/lit nerds and gay people for the first time since my last year at Appel Farm. And even with all the aforementioned uncomfortable shifting, I don't want anything to change. It's a naive expectation, but I want for college to be a place where people like my friends are the norm.

So now I await...THE END.

Prom is fucking TONIGHT. I have a lot of shit to do after school today, as well as a viola lesson. So basically loads of fun.
The afterparty is going to be incredibly chaste, most likely. Ingredients will include:

-Guitar Hero
-Cheap formal wear
-Over-zealous mother (this is more of a worry for the beforeparty though)
-"Volta"
-Cathartic dancing
-Excessive photography

Kind of excited...

So uh... the last three months have been good. I guess. I visited Earlham and it was kind of crappy, so I'm now officially going to Beloit (this means that I'll be in Wisconsin and majoring in creative writing).
I got arrested last tuesday, because I'm a big idiot. I'm sick of recounting the details but I got charged with possession/paraphanelia. I'll probably get probation or something so it's not that big a deal. Also, it's been kind of pleasant being clean after a month of non-stop stoning.
Going to prom with Wyatt next weekend, and then finally getting my car the day after. Am excited for both of these things.
Also I've had psychotic insomnia for the last few days. I literally didn't sleep last night, and ended up going to the Stirling Diner for breakfast at five in the morning. So now I'm full of eggs and coffee and dying a little bit.
The insomnia hasn't been too bad of an experience actually. I got about 100 pages into "The Yiddish Policeman's Union." And since I stopped sleeping, I've actually gotten substantial writing done for the first time since I finished that last journal. I've been so full of nostalgia and impatience and love for all my friends and frustration with myself and others that it's been kind of paralyzing.
I need to stop now, or else i'll just keep typing, so... yeah.

So I have just slept for 11 uninterrupted hours and it was the single greatest experience of my life to date. I was out sick yesterday, meaning I sat in my room and watched silence of the lambs while smoking the occasional painful cigarette. Anyway, it was probably just the fact that I hadn't left my room all day, but I started to feel really weird about my future in its entirety. I was struck with a sudden urge not to leave the east coast. I got really sentimentally attached to everything for about an hour, and considered various bad ideas like just going to Uarts or Pratt instead of Earlham.

But I think I'm better now...

So pretty much, my melancholy and depressing trip to Texas led to a melancholy and depressing poem (which is kind of unrelated to what made Texas so depressing)


( Photos/January )

PS----> I got into Earlham, and think that I'm going to go there. Yay for matriculation!

On my way to Austin tomorrow morning in order to see friends of my dad's. I'm possibly seeing my CTY writing teacher down there (and thus I am excited).

Also German is kicking my ass in the extreme. It's unnerving to be back in the position of starting a language after getting relatively far in French (i.e.= what the fuck is a dative case?).

Hearing response from first-choice school on FUCKING THURSDAY. This fact is pretty much driving me mad and causing me to lash out at friends and loved ones in anticipation (I can't wait for Iowa)

And as well, does anyone want to come see Grizzly Bear in New York with me? The dates are March 6th and 7th at Bowery Ballroom (...PARENTHESES).

So anyway school is boring. The teachers have pretty much given up already on making us do anything of substance. In order to stay awake in Challenges of Democracy Kelly and I got into a cootie-catcher contest to see who could make the smallest one. There was, also, this.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh *frustration*

I ate far too much and I feel a little vomitous. Faaaaaaaaaar too much pie in a single day. I talked to my parents friends about Reed and Portland and Swiss German. There was also a book about the influence of surrealism on the Black Dahlia murder. Oh, how I do love being a child of the brie-eating liberal media elite.
Studying German is fun but pretty fruitless so far. It took me about fifteen minutes to make that subject line and I'm pretty sure it's grammatically incorrect.

I really have nothing to say, I just felt the need to update.

So this is kind of the result of that high-concept senior prank me and Rebecca came up with a while ago. We were going to write everyone in our grade the future story of their life, with apt/insulting/bleak details. It's not really a full or edited piece or anything, just some shit I wrote after that conversation and was amused by.

( THE FUTURE!!! )

I'm back from Iowa, and have deduced that I hate airplanes more than anything. I read all of 'Cathedral' on the way there and I was so bored on the way back. My only amusement was trying to keep the plane in the air by sheer force of will. Such are the consequences when I'm not being distracted from ominous jet-engine sounds. But anyway. Had a good time at Grinnell despite perilous airplane adventures.

As far as Halloween goes I'm debating between being JT Leroy or Johnny Cash. This year needs to be good, as it's the last time I can go from door to door without being OFFICIALLY creepy.

Kind of late to say so, but TV on the Radio were fucking ridiculous. Except for that fat kid that kept elbowing me in the face, and the quartet competition I had to wake up for the next day. The whole experience really made me want to go back to Philadelphia permanently. Also, Dot's dad made waffles.

Ah very good day today. I got my first critique from my CTY writinglady, and I must say she is my very favorite Tiny Vietnamese Country Singer. Her myspace music is her cover of 'Wayfaring Stranger.' AWESOME. I think I'm going to be Johnny Cash for Halloween.
I love these rare spans of time when I actually feel completely fine with my abilities, and don't have intermittent spaz attacks relating to worthlessness as a human being/ inability to do anything but sit around watching movies on gay cable.
Speaking of which I have three days coming up this week with the house completely to myself from noon until the evening.

[see header]

I had a reaaaaally good dream last night. I actually audibly cursed when I woke up. Pretty much about yet another sort-of-straight-but-not guy who was extremely attractive. I won't say his name cause it would be embrassing. But it was nice and took place in a grocery store. Whatever that means.
Anyway, I ended up writing about it instead of doing my work in Psych. And then me and Steph left early when the professor went to the bathroom. because we are BADASSES.

West Village with Julie was very nice, and made me feel very inadequate and suburban. All the guys taller/older/better dressed. For some reason I bought a rosary from this Chinese guy and it was a good night.

I got my ticket in the mail today for TV on the Radio!!!
I am mad with anticipation.

I'm kind of bored right now. So far this business of gettign home at 12:30 every day has been good. But astoundingly boring at times, such as now. So far I've drunk four glasses of tea and one pot of espresso, and i still feel bored. I even fucking jogged. This must be what retirement feels like.


I'm trying to teach myself to touch-type, and this entry is taking a reeeeeally long time to write

I visited Sarah Lawrence yesterday and it was really good and I want to go there so badly it's like oh jesus. The campus is beautiful, it's close to NY and home, and all the work you ever do is in essay form. The only problem is the fact that it's pretty much 75% rich white girls and 25% rich white gay boys. The latter isn't too bad because this means that they are all well dressed and good-looking. However, I do not have seven kajillion dollars to spend on tuition each year. So perhaps no after all.

But it's so pretty!

And so close to New York!

And I could find myself a nice rich husband!

Anyways. I have to get back to writing the portfolio and the several essays that I must complete before the week is over. Also I've resolved to finish Swann's Long-Ass Motherfucking Way before Halloween. I have also resolved to die.

So, Chris is gone now. I had a conversation with him over the phone yesterday, completely severing all ties.
If anything, the whole thing has given me a concrete grasp of what I do and don't want. I don't want someone who veils sex as "trying to connect," I don't want someone who goes to Pingry and always talks like he's mingling at a party. I do not want drama, especially when it's formed completely withtout my participation. Most of all, I do not want someone who considers budding codependency "love."
I just want someone who I can meet at Borders, who will dance with me to Cat Power even though it's impossible to dance to Cat Power; someone who won't try to make me happy when I already am without him. Basically, i want someone who doesn't exist in the idiom of the teenage gay boy.
I am very happy to be single.

So... how was your summer?
Mine was extremely uneventful, with the major exception of Chris: french lessons, college bullshit, and only one trip into the city. I do believe I am becoming dull.
Chris, by the way, is sarah's girlfriend's gay boy. We are now going out after much delay, and it is very nice. He's very good-looking and wore a Klimt tee-shirt on our first date.

Two major things about college:
a) I got a 4 on the AP Lang exam without taking the course thank you very much Ridge Guidance Dept.
b) my GPA is not nearly as horrible as I suspected

See you at school motherfuckers!

Edit-----> Is anyone else leaving school after sixth period? Both my parents are gonna be at work on tuesday and thursday, and i need a carpool/ride to RVCC until my driver's test in december.

Is it just me, or does Madonna resemble Hedwig more and more with each passing hour?

<http://thebosh.com/archives/upload/2006/06/madonna-get-to.jpg>


<http://www.planetout.com/images/entertainment/starstruck/hedwig.jpg>